Life and learning..
Life is so beautifully timed, you never really know what awaits you around the next corner and you never know where it will take you until you are there. You may think you have meticulously planned for one thing and then you are in a completely different direction.
I have been lucky to be aware of the type of learning life course I have been on in my life. I have had deep defining times through out my youth, teens and twenties. I have a connection to my spirit in a way unlike a lot of others and now as I move out of my thirty’s I say I am once again getting it on a new bigger scale.
Some say as they move into their forties they want to posses their ultimate health and physic. For myself I have wanted a deeper connection, to understand self and love. I wanted to be able to accept myself with kindness and appreciation.
Five years ago I went through a process of self definition; I moved closer spiritually to my horses and learned a deeper connection to earth, nature and energy. Yet with many unresolved core issues in my life, I have always chosen the long road to understanding, so I can feel and learn and share. I have always felt that if I could heal my insides that the rest would fall into place.
I recognised my absence in self confidence. A pretty common thread in my life, although I do not always feel I am insecure there is a deep rooted sense that comes with my lack of trust.
I was discovering my self on a multiple staged platform, really looking at me and the roles I play in this world and how I have wanted to be seen. Trying to find balance with the many aspects of my life, me as mother, me as wife, me as lover, me as a friend, me as a horse caretaker and me as a pin-up blogger.
Who and where do I fit..?
This has been a recurring rhythm in my life, the many reincarnations of my self I have always found success. Yet I have always sought to be defined, to have a place or to be seen in a particular way. I have many hats in my proverbial tool box and each I made sure to work in such a light I would be validated by others, yet never by myself.
With each of my redefining personas, came an equally greater spiritual awakening. Change has always been opportunity and I have never been given more than I could handle.
I was about to be served up a BIG plate of change.
I believe the catalyst started with my youngest son being super brave and asking to return to Traditional school, I have been facilitating home schooling for my 2 sons for the past 2 years and whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not it was too much for me.
I lost all balance in my life and I did not want to admit it yet I was miserable. I spent the greatest part of my time trying to swim against the current so to speak. All the whist all the other beings that required my hand were taking a back seat as my mental space was diminishing.
I started to push away the here and now, life on the farm was just motions yet I started to live through my phone. BmB and internet land was getting what little attention I had left and I was starting to disappear. I was becoming a shadow of myself.
I was at the point that all I could do was let go.
With that surrender time opened up and energy moved to where it needed to be. My middle son got a huge infusion of time towards his schooling which he needs the help with and wants to learn. My afternoons opened up and I was not mentally devastated.
Yet I was still actively working against myself and not getting it. My mind was full and burdened; my heart was heavy as I focused on things that I knew were not a priority.
I had made plans to pursue a side of Pin-up I had never needed to be defined as up till this point and yet after being offered an opportunity, I felt I had to pursue professional photography. Again I was seeking validation yet not honouring my own core beliefs, my intention was off.
Then it came to me in the most beautiful message.
During all of this a new relationship/connection emerged and started to grow here on the farm, and I knew I had to ensure the growth and nurturing needed to help this energy to grow. The horses always know the way before we do and I know they knew I needed time, they also knew it was time for me to come back.
My middle son that lives with Asberger’s connected with one of our senior horses Shurman. Although the horses have always been available to him and ponies to suit his size nothing had ever panned out before until now.
This in itself is huge for us all to see as he has made no connections to a physical being other than objects such as his Lego. The overwhelming sense you feel when you see them together you know that absolutely this is meant to be.
This would be the love song that returned me to self and reminded me who I am. It was the whisper of love and the acknowledgement of where my true beauty lies.
My value is not to be based upon my external self rather my abilities. My gifts to this world lay in the relationship I have with the horses and my ability to communicate what I have seen, experienced and lived by being close to them.
The shift brought me back to the horses and I came back to self. I had a moment of clarity where I questioned every step I was taking and why was I trying so hard to be there when all I have ever wanted in my life was here.
I cancelled the photo shoot and redirected my intentions.
I have always been unconventional and I do adore Pin-up don’t get me wrong, it is just the authenticity in which I wanted to proceed. Yet do know it was very important because it helped me see myself as I needed.
I realized it did not feel right and I was ignoring my inner voice. In that moment my intentions changed I understood that all I was looking for was always inside of me.
I just needed to believe in me.
I have a lot of important work for me here on the farm as a mother, as a wife, as a lover, as a friend, as a horse caretaker and as a blogger.