I have tried to be as present as I can be in my life by living life in the moment rather than to far forward or too far back. As I have said in other posts I have been on a quest to sort myself out spiritually and having intention in life that is born from gratitude.
A big key I have learned in life is to be grateful for what you have and then all falls into place from there. It is perspective changing, it has taken me from being a very bitter cold spirit to learning to be a warm, loving soul.
As much as one can think or feel they are practiced in being balanced and grounded in you’re life, when you experience something that causes your world to feel like it has been picked up like a snow globe and shaken.
You have a choice to learn from it.
You can never really plan for the perfect moment to have children and you can never plan for them to get sick. Colds, flu’s and broken bones mend with time and not a lot of intervention. Then there is the world of internal medicine, it is what you cannot see and becomes the overwhelming helpless reality to a parent. Time stands still, days turn into weeks and you become very clear no amount of chicken noodle soup or stuffed animals is going to help.
There you stand in a state of uncertainty; medicine is not a precise science rather a formulation of trying to narrow the fields of what it is not. Being in a hospital is foreign to us, your senses over load with the un-natural smells, the sounds and the sights. You want to ground yourself and find your bearings yet no matter how hard you blink your eyes you are still there.
You look at your child attached to tubes and machines that flash and beep. You are aware you have no control. We are taught Doctors have the answers, you wait on baited breath to hear what is the next tidbit of news; and then you wait.
I was so very vulnerable you might as well have stripped me naked. I felt raw, exposed and running on instinct. Survival mode had kicked in and as this was a familiar place to be my natural defence took over and I knew I just had to be there for my daughter.
I realized the pain, disorientation and confusion she may be feeling was familiar to me. I connected that all the hard life lessons I had experienced in my life were all preparing me for this moment. What I had to offer was a very present and unconditional understanding to support her and embrace her no matter what we would find out about her condition or what it was going to take to help her.
I was there for her absolutely 100% no matter what I had to hear or see, I was going to be a sounding board, a support system, the absolute what ever you throw at me I am going to keep my shit in the game and we are going to get through this.
Yet again wonders cease to amaze me and instead of me being that pillar of strength I learned so much from my daughter. My strength in fact came from hers. No matter the pain she endured and the many dead ends we came to, she was always quick to persevere and find light in the situation. No matter the frustration she did not let the pain envelope her spirit and so she would laugh and find humour where ever she could.
Our normal life was now on hold, the routines of yesterday melt away as your new routine is formed around Doctor Rounds and any bits of information that can help give you hope and freedom of the hospital institution.
As parents and humans we are deeply connected more than we are aware, we want the same things for our children. Happiness and health and these two are so deeply interwoven. The human spirit can manage and surpass pain in order to seek happiness yet health of the body system really is the true compass because it is the heart of the system.
It was the many gut filled moments of laughter at the contradicting messages we would hear, this is what kept us light. We figured the system out quickly and knew in some ways we just had to take the ride; this was now completely out of our hands. My daughter’s condition was absolutely rare. After 2 hospitals and 3 weeks they finally figured it out, now to try to fix it was another story.
We were miles away from the world of familiarity that we know and love. Our connection to nature, our horses and the land had been stripped from us. Our antisocial ways were now routinely bombarded with many faces asking the same questions, doing the same movements; we were starting to be swallowed up.
The silence we once knew was gone for now. We now had to navigate a new world, learning a new language and adapting to many energy bodies that would assert themselves into our space at any given moment. Our hospital room door was always shut and all curtains drawn as we tried to shut that world of ciaos and uncertainty out. Whether it was a house cleaner, nurse or Doctor we always were prepared for the insertion to the room of others ‘energetic states’
We were always braced for the door to open.
It was tiring, coffee became my drug. I am not sure if the caffeine was doing anything or if for a moment I let myself leave my body so I could go home, be in the arms of my husband, and be with my boys or next to Spirit.
I did not let myself go often as the days grew into weeks it became too painful, the separation was a blinding absence. Everyone at home was equally in a dishevelled state. We embrace our strength, our love and what matters most by standing beside each other. Yet now we were miles apart, too far for us to reconnect, my husband on the farm my boys at a neighbours. The burden of separation was taking a toll on everyone.
This is what becomes very clear in a time like this is that this is the truest treasure of life, the family unit and being together, this is all that matters.
In the hospital my daughter and I learned a lot about us, our relationship and the system. We met people that did their jobs in a routine, worker bee way and then we met others that went above and beyond what you knew and could instinctively feel they were required to.
The unsaid heart connections or opportunities for one’s hearts to expand was daily, whether it through the actions of a nurse trying to advocate or the same recognisable look on another parents face.
No matter how frustrated or out of place we felt we are grateful.
We have more than a lot do, these days there are very visible disease and illness that take the main stage and many that lay in the shadows that are not recognised or even understood. Just as there are many children that go with out diagnosis and live in excruciating pain daily.
It would take another 2 weeks for us to finally get home. Being home healing has begun as the horses have forced us from our shocked state by requiring their routine needs to be met. Our family of five is once again under the same roof and we can physically connect with hugs and cuddling once again.
I learned a lot and took a lot away from this time. We were really inspired by people that we would never have expected to step up as they did for us. We met a lot of people a long this journey. We had a lot of ups and downs yet we come away stronger and closer.
I am a proud person and found the hardest part of this was asking for help and being honest in my updates to friends and family. I am a person that likes to do it for myself and it became very clear to me that I could not do it all alone and no amount of Thank you to the people that stepped up seems to be enough and I hope that paying it forward and inspiring others will be the course.
My wish for anyone reading this is to understand that crisis can happen to anyone at any time and it can look different for every situation. Yet for the people that are trying to navigate their situation to have ‘un-conditional’ support is priceless.
Thank you for understanding my absence and you might start to notice things will look a little different around here. I am around, yet we are recovering and seeing where we go now as we don’t feel the situation with my daughter’s condition was fixed at this time.
Remember there are many ways you can help someone or families that are in a crisis situation regardless if it is because of health or accident. There are a lot of things you can do that can come directly hands on from you that would greatly improve or lift the recipient’s spirits.
Please do not donate solely to one cause or the most visible causes that are out there. They are visible because they are big money earners and there are a lot of situations that are over shadowed because of them. As there is also many situations that have no solutions where a bit more exposure could help keep people out of the dark because they seem rare.
Much love to you and yours..
Spirit was never far away