Tag: hope

In my absence.. xx

I feel as if I am slowly getting my feet about me, what a journey I have been on for the past 5 months with my daughter.  No closer to answers to her condition, no course of treatment or what ever it may be to get her back to where she once was.

Long are the days of my fit equestrian that rode 7 days a week to now being bed ridden, unable to escape the pain in her head and the lack of balance once she is up which prevents the simplest tasks about the horses. She has lost her bearings.

Her situation is like murky waters in my best opinion, there is not enough clarity and so we continue to travel, advocate and seek what we can to help better understand what is going on for her.

I would not wish this upon anyone and certainly not a parent, although I have come to learn much about myself and what means most to me in this life, my family.

Calendar pages have been flipped, months have passed. Schooling stopped, sibling’s being juggled, animals on the balance, life on the back burner, we were in survival mode grasping for a taste of normal, a glimpse of what we used to have.

Invisible illness, the ones you cannot see and the amazing beings that suffer in silence all the while being judged by others because you cannot see her pain.  My daughter has strength an army could draw from.  Pain is her normal, excruciating pain.  The pain that would bring grown men to their knees I see it in her eyes, she is never with out it yet she too carries on.

Hope, it seems to be all we have and no matter how small the offering is we have held to it like breath. Since the beginning of this journey our tour guides have left us wondering how to navigate this adventure and I found the voice I did not know I had.

It became clear to me my desire was to get direction and instruction as direct and clear as possible and yet that not happening would cause me to get frustrated. The institution has a way that is not familiar to our lives and yet we tried to mind ourselves the best we could to be open to what would come our way yet we felt often we were with out a voice and unheard.

Yet we are home now, grasping to our hope in the form of a private clinic and while we fund raise to get there we try to be as present in our time on the farm as we possibly can.

Living in the here and now has been the foundation of our family code yet the system has pushed me further from this through anticipation of waiting and wondering what the person that has absolute control over your destiny will say.

You lose yourself, you lose the moment and you end up nor here nor there of what you desire most. The grand prize of clarity through answers and solutions, will these afford the foreseeable discharge from the institution to get back to family to regain balance..?

What I learned coming out of our last stint in the hospital is that all you really have is the here and the now and that we were the lucky ones to draw the card that said the path to the grand prize will not be an easy road. We are strong enough to handle this and nature has timed summer to show us the way back to connection.

With the help of the horses and their needs being met through care and the heat requiring us to take shelter in the shade, we are present and we come now with a greater awareness and understanding to what that means.

I am grateful for our farm and all that she has to offer to us, I am grateful to have all of my children in close proximity they can fall into my arms and know I am here.

It is only a matter of time until the source of my daughter’s pain is revealed and we will have answers yet until then we are here, we are together and we are connecting and connected in the most heart filled moments we can create.

BmB xx

Letting go.

The black and white of the equestrian world runs deeply from the backyard hobbyist to the Elite professional.  There is a way one abides to the rules, the rules of equine ownership.

I guess that is where I am already turned off, I know that the horses that are apart of our herd are in a sense perceived as being owned.  It seems that human nature has to possess things to establish some sort of seen value.  Yet to me the very word owning a horse is so repulsive.  For what I love and adore most about horses is the very thing that we try to take from a horse, their spirit and freedom through ownership.  With their grace, size and beauty no matter what predicament this 4 legged creature finds itself in the human can never truly possess their essence.

With possession we naturally lack respect, I think it is easy to use the word like a child whom has figured out a cadence of spewing out the word sorry trying to find their boundaries with in a parent who does not place them.

 

Of course we respect the horse and yet we show our love and respect by doing the most unnatural of things to them.  With in the same breath of announcing our love, our passion we assert our desire onto them and expect them to conform to our ways with out true regard for their needs and desires.

I feel we like to think on their behalves, we get caught up in purchasing things in an attempt to display the quality of merchandise we adorn them in rather than the quality of the horse’s mental state of being.

We have perverted so many aspects of horses reality, we have mare’s birthing foals that are being taken so quickly, basic imprinting skills from Dam to foal is notably being bred out of them.

Yet we are a society so heavily laden by consumption and commerce that to truly be able to understand would require the horse “owner” to understand that they are really a facilitator and be evolved enough to know the horse should come first.

Even I find myself in a situation where I know I cannot afford the horses the truest of freedom and the lifestyle most suited to their needs.  In a perfect world I would turn them loose and I would know that because of my relationship with my equine friends they would want to return and visit on their own, yet this will never happen and the saying if you love something set them free and if it is meant to be they will return cannot be applied here as that would be cruel.

My equine friends have become dependent on me, I have put them in a situation where I have to feed them and maintain their source of food and water, I control their turn out and what will happen to them in the days to come.

I have come to realize the burden and the dependency created, even if I could let them loose would they still remember.  Have we taken that away from them as well?

Like children we spend great amounts of time schooling them information from books that have become obsolete in this day and age with technology.  Instead of the truth and preparing them to care for themselves, setting priorities of being happy and healthy through balance we drum it out of them.  We tell them that your value is only because of your book smarts. Yet our spirits know this not to be the truth.

I certainly know this to be true since pulling my children out of conventional schooling and facilitating their work with them through Distance education.  The work load and time children spend in school is not really necessary I wonder if it was designed in order to work around the working classes schedule.

Even in my children I have noted a huge change in their stress levels and how they relate to each other since making the change, just as the horses did when my perspective changed of them as well.

A couple of years ago I made choices in my life to be left alone by society in general.  I needed the space, I had to hear that voice with in me not as a whisper yet loud and clear.

I always knew I would never go wrong by this voice and because of it I have come to learn much from the horses and my children, on a different more meaningful level of life.

As of recent I have started to re-emerge as my new self and I am strong in knowing my truth as I have walked the walk I feel I can talk the talk.  I am grateful for social media and the ability to put my words out there and be seen by people who need to read them.

 

I do not know what it will take for change of perspective in our world, I do see that my children are here to help make the difference as they only know what we do here and practice and love so tolerance of old ways is not accepted here.

I do know one day we all will get it and whether that is in the now or when you are departing this world we are all very deeply connected and in order to seek greater compassion for our society/world as a whole we have to take a look at the relationship we have with the animals and nature we share with here on earth.

We can no longer own it all.

 

Spirit connecting with the boys