Tag: Love

My Grandmother’s Cactus.

In my mid twenties my aunt was moving back to New Zealand, she asked me if I would want the Christmas cactus that was sitting in her kitchen window. She knew it would be put into quarantine and because of scaling back what she was taking with her I agreed.

I can go back in my minds eye and see this cactus always in my Aunt’s window yet I cannot remember where she sat when she was with my Grandmother.

My aunt acquired the cactus after my Grandmother passed.

I have grown a lot since that time in my spiritual beliefs and my thoughts on life. At one time I thought death meant the end and now in my abstract and unconventional way death to me is anything but that. I see the human form simply that a form and we are made of abundant energy, once our form passes on our energy remains enabling us to be.
Now having Grandma’s cactus as my own and starting my own family I felt this plant was a conduit of sorts. I always knew Grandma was with us; like the oxygen that this cactus produces is like her loving breath. Like a pulse or a heart beat I can feel her.

This cactus has grown and grown over the years she has been with me. She has been re-potted and at one point most of her branches broken off during a move and yet she remains a strong connection to her energy.

This cactus is alive and well with us, as they are front and center – they see it all.

Today I trimmed her branches, I decided today was the day to help release her of some of her weight and so I slowly went to work with my shears.

I knew my Grandmother was stood with me, not talking yet empowering me, she knew I would take my time. I removed and pruned a lot of weight from her cactus, symbolically I guess I was letting go and not in a conscious sort of way.

At first I worried I was some how imposing my desire on the cactus to shed her of her limbs and then I became aware as I trimmed her branches they became lighter and lifted towards the sky.

This afternoon was filled with a familiar feeling of time that I had spent alone with her.

It has been a week since I trimmed the cactus and it almost appears to be glowing. She is looking the healthiest I have seen her in some time, green, alive and fresh. The biggest affirmation was the flower bud I just discovered.

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It was whispered to me, Aspergers.

The boy that does not know,

 

Maybe it was the drink they gave me that I though was non alcoholic when I was pregnant. Maybe it was the Diabetes I live with? The seizure he had when he was 18 months old and his temp spiked above 104 degrees.

 

In the end it really does not matter because he is who he is and we love him all the same.

 

A late talker he would find two words that would sum it all up, BIG TRUCK.  No matter what he wanted “big truck” would be spoken in many different influxes, cadences and tones to get his point across.

 

As he grew it was still always about the big truck and repetition.

 

It was not until he reached Kindergarten that it was pointed out to me there was an unknowing about him that the others did not have.

 

I guess I saw it before yet it took the verbal words to put it all into place in my mind.

 

These nuances were like breath to me, so familiar it was hard to see it as anything but normal as far as normal goes around here.  I am not conventional and nor is my mothering style.  I was not a maternal mummy so to speak and learned and came into motherhood on the fly.

 

It was a blessing for him to pick this family as I knew no better and he was not treated any differently.

 

I noticed there was a lack of facial recognition, simply unaware of a facial position other than happy or mad. Then we noticed him missing social cues, the small mannerisms of a conversation when one party watches the other to know when to start or stop a conversation.  This was absent.

 

Instead it is non stop reams of information and questions that would only stop from being told to do so.

As he is getting older and I am now his educational facilitator I see the ability to brain storm, to make poetry or to imagine is a near impossible task where as building lego creations and the speed of his puzzle building abilities to be amazing.

 

He still loves big trucks and has a smile on him that melts hearts.  His is a happy boy that is conscious of his politeness and always is.  Always wants to do a job or lend a hand and simply needs the security of knowing what is expected of him.

 

You would never know unless you talked to him he was any different and even then you would probably feel his passion and enthusiasm for his interests.

 

I find myself wondering what his perspective is like.  I wonder if he feels like he is missing out on anything.  I saw a movie about a man living with Asbergers and he said several times that he did not understand or get jokes and this touched me as I know this well.

 

I wonder when a joke is told and everyone laughs because they get it and he is laughing a louder forced laugh trying to come up with statements that might apply to the punch line if he is confused.

 

I live in the here and now and don’t tread too far into the future to often and yet I will at times wonder what life will be like for him as he grows older.

 

It’s day by day, loving, living, learning, explaining….

The many sides to me

I was 18 years old when I went in for my first tattoo.. Not a big surprise, when I was 10 years I remember watching Ripley’s believe it or not about heavily tattooed people..

I knew then that was for me..

That was my first inkling I was not like other people.. Long before the internet or social websites you were either cool or you were not.. I was the latter of the two, I never found a place where I felt I fit..

It was not until horses that I had a sense of being ok with whom I was.. The horse never judged me, didn’t care what I looked like or what I liked to talk about, they just wanted to know the person inside..

I always knew I needed to be around horses, my life took me this way and that way and then I took my life back… My desire of tattooing increased as I aged and did my desire to return to the horses..

I met the man of my dreams.. Allot of similar interests were shared between the two of us.. Mostly that of the horses.  We said from the beginning our dream would be to have horses on property and to think we achieved this..

His passion is VW’s and American Muscle cars and what better way for a girl to participate is through fashion and style of the retro Pin Up girl.. A few years ago I was trying to style my wardrobe with a Pin Up influence, hair flowers and lot’s of cleavage.

I did not know at the time how much I would fall in love with they style and culture and even though we live on a farm and are far away from any city centers where we can participate in car culture I knew I wanted to go full on “Doll”..

I am afforded a wonderful life by my husband, I stay at home, have freedom to care for the animals, have time to go on my spiritual journey with the horses and the ability to dress in as style I would like.. It is not a coincidence to me that my love of my tattoo’s goes hand in hand with the NEW Pin up look and it is also not a surprise that I feel I am more than one person at times..

Being at home on the farm I am either in my pyjamas or running about outside in gumboots and barn cloths YET when we go to town is my time to Doll up as I say..

I cannot be anymore polar opposite to these two images..

The one thing that I know for sure in this life is that I am my own being, I have never felt until this point in my life that there was a place for me.. As I went through the years I tried on many hats and none ever seemed to feel that good..

Technology has given us the ability to self promote and put out there and connect with others that have similar interests or outlooks on life..

I have finally learned no matter what I show up like, as long as I am true to myself, intentions and beliefs I am good.  It’s that internal confidence, the glow that radiates from within.. This is what we should deem attractive or popular in and for people.

I always have taken the long road to figuring things out, very much guided by my intuition or gut feeling.. My perception of life has always been different than others yet has reaped me the rewards of life because I see it with different eyes..

No matter how I show up, at the heart I am always the same person..

It only seemed fitting to make the persona of my Pin up character after my knuckle Tattoo and Bettie Page.. I started the NEW “Boss Mare Betty” FB page to accommodate that side of my personality.  Just as I did with “The Spirit Horse” FB page.

No matter what the page they are all facets of me.. Sometimes it feels easier to identify myself as different characters as they can be so different from each other..

Really how many heavily tattooed Pin Up Dolls do you see with farms and horses ❤

Since writing this Blog for “My Riding Journey FB Group” I have since opened this account and decided it was a good addition to this new site and groups of writings.